My husband’s a momma’s boy and it’s ruining our marriage, please help?
I have been married for 8 years, we have 2 children and another on the way. I was completely unaware of my husbands addiction to his mother prior to our marriage, I had only seen her once. After the birth of our first child I was introduced to her true side (crazy). I had issues with her always getting in our business. I hated visiting or having his parents come 2 visit because I was treated like an outsider. His father is a PIG and treats his wife like a servant, which is what she expects me to be to my husband.
Well to move on… My husband has to run everything by his mommy first. I can count at the end of everyday 5pm he is on the phone with her. It makes me sick, he talks for hours and gives me 5 minutes. Well this past July we were planning on moving to another state so we were house hunting. The first trip my mom came to watch the kids. So the next time he wanted to bring his mother, even though my mom was keeping the kids at her house. For 3 day I listened to this woman tell me how I need to change and get use to the fact that men in her family are just lazy and I need to do everything. I was pissed and my husband just sat there and didnt say a word. On the way back to my moms I got 2 hours of how Im a horrible person and my husband in silence. Finally I couldnt take it and stopped the car and when in the store when I came back I got into a fight with my husband about it. I was so hurt that i said screw it and threw the keys and checked into a hotel and ask not to be bothered. he tried the hotel and when they said no, he LEFT. and when i say left i mean we were 4 hours from my moms and he and his mommy were gone. My mother had to drive to get me. Please remember i am also pregnant at this time.
So after hours of arguements i tell him he needs to choose, i refuse to continue to be #2 in his life. He said he chose me, well when i get the phone bill he was 400 minute over all to his mother. every month this has been the problem, him continuing the addiction and him lying to me.
I told him today I was done with all the lies and I wanted him to leave.
Am I wrong, i shouldnt have to deal with my husband never defending me and making me and our children his second family.
Please help
You should be number 1 in his life. What you did was not wrong. Send his mother his diapers and tell her don’t let him out till he is grown.
I think momma’s boys are pretty common. I don’t think so much that he is CHOSING her over you though. I think it puts husbands between a rock and a hard place when they have to chose between the woman then love, and the woman that raised them. I would just tell him that he needs to really cut back on talking to her so much — YOU should be the person that he calls when he has something to talk about, not her.
Also, I would tell him that he needs to immediately call his mother and tell her that talking DOWN to you is unacceptable and if it continues he will cut ties with her. She should get the point and back off. Hopefully she will realize that although SHE wasted her life on a pig of a man, you refuse to do the same!
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I think you are the problem by the way you are acting.
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ok, so you’ve been married for eight years, and you noticed it after you had your firstborn but somehow you kept going and now are having a third. there’s no real solution unless you move out of state and he radically changes which I don’t see happening or separate. Maybe he needs to miss you to change but I don’t think it will happen. He has some problems if he doesn’t talk to you at all other than five minutes. I really don’t know what you can do, good luck and hope you fix your situation.
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as far as i see it, ur right, i have always believed ur wife or husband should come first, bottom line, u should be first
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A momma’s boy will always be just that.
l think you will be better raising your children yourself,rather than have a grown up adult …acting like he needs his momma all the time.
Give him a kiss goodbye…and tell him…Momma need his little boy……..
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If he seriously won’t budge..then you need to find another way to scare him into realizing what reality is like for you. You need to take him into a private room with no distractions and you need to tell him, "If you don’t treat me as nearly as much as u treat your mother, then I will leave you..you can decide now." If he won’t budge or say anything right away.. then something’s not right, and you may just have to step away. Hopefully that doesn’t happen… You need to stand up for yourself, because you deserve to be treated just as the same if not more as his mother…
Hope it works out for you! You go girl!
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No, you’re absolutely not wrong!! Your little boy of a husband needs to get the F-word out! He will never change and he and his Mother have an unbelievably dysfunctional Incestuous relationship. (maybe not sexual, but any "man" who talks to his mother that much is no "man")
I feel terrible for you.
Leave.
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I can’t tell you how many times we used to separate over hubby’s mama. She ruled his roost. We didn’t have money, she found a few minor holes in socks, or underwear and chunk them. Hubby would come home, get mad because he didn’t have as many pair, but blamed me, not mom. She would call him at work and lie to him about me…he would come home and yell at me for what ever she said. Didn’t even ask me what was going on. I blew one day and told him, there is only one Queen in his life now. He needed to decide which Queen he wanted. He chose her for months. sighhhhh…anyway…we went back and forth so much on separating it was unreal…all because of a MIL…We got along great when she wasn’t around. I tuffed it out because I loved him, but looking back knowing what I know now about self esteem and being proud of me as a person I don’t see me tolerating that behavior like I did at one time. Mama’s boys are hard to cure…is it worth the fight? Because girl you may be in for a long ride that may never end …..
By the way…you do not need to let mama talk to you that way. She may be your elder and you were taught to treat others with respect, but there is nothing that says, this is a one way street. You do not allow her to badger you not even for one sentence. Let her know that you refuse to have this conversation and next time you are in a car….pull up and let mama out at a motel and tell her when she can act like a lady you will return to pick her up. Hand her your phone number and then leave….even if hubby has to stay and babysit her too.
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This mother son relationship sounds extremely unhealthy…. it sounds like your MIL is using her son as her bf, using him to fill the role a husband would. Is your MIL divoriced??
Your husband was a complete dink for leaving you pregnant at a hotel so far from everything. He should have stood up for you. Since he obviously won’t stand up for you, you need to stand up for yourself. Next time his MIL says something to you, talk back to her and let her know you’re not putting up with her crap anymore.
If she starts saying crap like "all the men in the family are lazy and you have to get used to that and clean up after them" reply "maybe you like to be treated like a lowly servant, but I was raised to respect myself". That aughta shut the bag up.
If she starts gettin mad that you’re standing up for yourself you tell her she better treat you with respect or she will not be invited over anymore, or on any outings etc.
You should also get a psychologist for your husband, not a counsellor, because it sounds like he has some serious weird issues surrounding his mom.
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Wow that is crazy. Sometimes when a guy is silent it is when he knows his mom is wrong but doesn’t want to tick her off. So he probably knows she is whacked out. I am sorry for you.
I don’t see a problem with him talking to his mom all day long as long as when he gets home that he doesn’t mention it, you don’t ask about it and he focuses on you are your children. But he should be careful spending extra money to talk all of the time.
The fact that his mom is trying to change you is because she realizes that she has it worse than you do and wants you to experience the same crap. I would tell his mom to tell her husband to change and not give any more advice to you.
You should tell your husband that you are going to need to take a break unless you can get into agreement on this.
So to recap: what I would do is tell your husband to tell his mom to stop criticizing and lecturing you. Tell your husband it is ok for him to talk to his mom as much as he wants away from the house and to hold minimal conversations at home only when extremely necessary. Tell him not to even mention to you what he and she talk about and you don’t even ask him.
If all of that doesn’t work go on a vacation alone for about two weeks and see if he changes when you come back.
Tell him his behavior is pushing you to think about getting a divorce and that it is extremely too much to deal with.
Good luck.
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Men can be so stupid. I’m also the 2nd in command. My husband runs to his sister!!! Nothing I ever do will ever compare to his "perfect" sister. I hear you. I’ve also given my husband an ultimatum and he also said he chose me but I know he still believes his sister is #1. At least he stopped calling her about every fight we’ve ever had or how our children are so horrible.
You should be upset!!!! I hear you!!! You are not alone. I think this happens a lot. Men can be such dorks!!! My heart goes to you and your kids. It’s no fun feeling like second fiddle when you should be the whole reason for his existence.
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he is disloyal to you and you are right about it. you need counseling. both of you. he should never ever discuss you or your personal business with his mother. or anyone outside you and him.
he and his mother are the couple, you are the outisider. his mother enjoys watching you struggle because that is how she gets her entertainment. that is why she cant resist adding to your torment.
you and he together in counseling will learn how to establish boundaries and he will learn how to be loyal to you. it is one of the cornerstones of marriage. he is missing a page out of the book.
i always suggest that the wife be respectful to the mother in law. however, this is different, a husband who gets on the phone to his mother when he gets home from work? i would not have put up with that for a week, much less 8 years.
marriage counseling. if he wont go you go.
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My husband is the same way with his mother. Talks to her all the time. He’ll share a couple details about a story at work with me and then call her and be one the phone for ever with all these details he didn’t share with me. He would call her when our kids got sick to find out how to care for them instead of just letting me take care of our kids. He calls her everytime he gets aches and pains. He doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. I got fed up on this and finally started throwing it in his face. Every time he asked me a question I just told him "Go ask your mother. I’m sure you’d rather hear what she has to say anyway." It pissed him off and he got that it was pissing me off too. I even yelled at his Mom once and told her she doesn’t have run of th mill here and she better back off. She still gets annoying sometimes but it’s at least more bearable now. You should get them in the room together and talk to them face to face at the same time. Make it clear to your husband that you expect him to defend you when his mother is putting you down. He needs to get his finger out of her apron.
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OMG, you sound like me in the future. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. I’m only 19, been with him 3 years. His mom is nice to me but sometimes yells at me when she has her moments…and I get frustrated and he just tells me to let it go…fueling fire will only make it worse. Not only that, but he ran up my phone bill talking to his mom …over $700!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that?
I’m making him pay for that!
I don’t think you were wrong…I believe you should do what makes you happier and if you’re going to continue being miserable with your husband, what’s the point? I’m young, so I don’t know if my point even matters ha.
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You should be number 1 in his life. What you did was not wrong. Send his mother his diapers and tell her don’t let him out till he is grown.
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You are not wrong sweetie, I’m going through the same thing. The Bible tells us that a man leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife and that’s what he is supposed to do. Your husband is suppose to love you like Christ loves the church. Be strong and pray to God that He gives you strength, understanding and wisdom during this time. Pray for your husband because this should not be a hard decision for him to make, he is misguided. I know it’s hard. Put your trust in God and He will restore your marriage
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